Happy.

After struggling with my inner self for, well, ever, I feel all of a sudden at peace. Nothing is really too much to handle, except the occasional impromtu business meeting with the crazed incompetent client. I still get down on myself for not being motivated to hit the gym all that often or for eating that extra pie/tater tot/helping of mashed potatoes, but all in all, things are working out. I love my house, my friends, my fiance, and my job, sans aforementioned crazed customer. Maybe I'm getting old enough to truly understand the phrase "don't sweat the small stuff."

Not myself

Nothing is as it was a few months ago, not even my brain. I feel like I just opened my eyes and I'm under water and I don't know which way is up. In the last five months, I got a new job and moved into a new house. My comfort zone is no where to be found and I feel like i missed a step somewhere, even if there is no instruction manual on life in your twenties. If I don't wake up soon, I'll lose any control I have left. Maybe this is a good thing?

Wobbly Legs

Dave left for Brazil today. He's only gone for 1 and a half weeks. Later this summer, he'll be leaving for an entire month. I feel like his shorter initial trip is to get my feet wet while I struggle to remember what it is like to be on my own again. I don't have any standing dinner dates and there's no one to talk to about a hectic work day. It's just still. Quiet. I'm more reflective and less ballsy. My legs feel wobbly, like a child figuring out how to take his stride a little faster. But there's a definite depression looming. There's plenty to get done in the next 10 days and I'm hoping this keeps my mind numbingly busy so the emptiness doesn't set in.

By the way, painting is the slowest task ever. So much priming left to do. Luckily, I have some friends that are willing to paint for pizza and beer.

Done Deal

Escrow closed two weeks ago and we've finished demo. We have our new contractor Fernando and his crew scraping ceilings, patching holes and retexturizing walls. Floors are bought and they are en route, to be installed in two weeks. Next step: Painting. Choosing paint colors is sort of giving me a mini panic attack. What if I choose the wrong ones? What if they don't match? What if it looks really REALLY ugly? My perfectionism is aiding in my procrastination and it's an obstacle I'm ready to slap in the face. I'm going with red, dark grayish black, khaki, and white for trim. don't worry, nothing will actually be painted the dark grayish black ... well, except for the kitchen cabinets. I have a vision. There may also be a blue/green in the bedroom. But it's paint -- it can be edited at a later date, right? Watch for pictures. I should start documenting this process properly so I can look back and say, "I did that."

Personal Tipping Point

I literally can reach my hand out in front of me and just graze my dreams with my fingertips. I can't quite get a good grip to pull them closer to me; it's like waiting for my arms to grow longer. Maybe some more yoga? It all feels right. I can taste the plaster and new tile, I can picture leafy plants in corners, my favorite song drifting through the hall, the smiles of accomplishment on Dave's and my face. After building our bar, I feel as though the cocktails tasted better. Building our living space, maybe our lives will feel richer without actually making any more money. Is that bad that I'm practically saying that life sucks now? I don't mean this. It's been a long time coming. The sea of conversations we've swam in over our future together and this is the second biggest step (the first being the move to San Diego -- which I'd like to point out, happened almost two years ago). Marriage, while it's something to which I'm looking forward, can wait. Puppies can wait. Babies can wait. This house is my personal tipping point, where new things start happening. The end of the college afterlife and the beginning of grown up adult life.

one of those days

Every once in a while, I wake up on the wrong side of the bed. I don't know why it happens, maybe it's the day that has to be bad so all the other days seem better in comparison. Whatever the reason, I lay there thinking of the numerous reasons to just stay in bed -- it's warm, it's quiet, you don't have to go to work and sit in front of a computer for 8 hours relentlessly typing and making up billing descriptions -- but my job looms over my head and I know the longer I wait in bed, the later I'll be at work, the later I'll get home, and the later I'll be back in my cozy bed. Then I think about this cycle and realize how monotonous my life can get. And I try to think of something, anything that I can do to spice it up. Everything costs money... and since I haven't received my annual raise yet (will i ever?), I know it's not feasible to buy a round trip ticket to my sister's house and take a week's vacation. What good is the vacation when you know that you have to wake up and go back to this glorified monkey job, anyway?

If I can do anything I wanted right now with no consequences, it would be...

I really hope my answer isn't "getting back in bed" but it seems to be what I'm thinking about. I would want to be somewhere where I don't have to think about everything that has to be fixed. Maybe I have to accept that I will have always have a to-do list a mile long and that being stable isn't about having it all done, but being able to manage it without it getting in the way of living. Which clearly I'm not good at. Maybe for lunch I'll take myself on a nice little walk somewhere and get out of this typical common day rut.

Anxiety Disorder Lesson

I've been doing some research lately on anxiety disorders. I feel as though there might be something wrong with me and that's the first thing I can think of. After reading up on the subject, it looks more like I have extreme stress and maybe moderate anxiety caused by stress. Another thing I read is that oral contraceptives may cause anxiety or mood swings, and after my sister's false diagnosis of lactose-intolerance-turned-birth-control-madness, I believe it. It may be time to switch the old pill brand. Let's just hope the new ones don't make me gain 20lbs. Bagels and tater tots could be to blame, but I'd rather blame those hormone-filled pills.

In order to relieve stress, there are a few things to try. One is keeping a stress journal and the other is exercise. So I'm blogging about my stress now and hitting the gym after work.

The following things stress me out:

1. Loud noises. This includes motorcycles, honking horns, car alarms, piercing shrieks/yelps from either babies or immature youngsters that think they are hilarious. My heart starts to race and I'm extremely distracted by these noises. I may start to wear earplugs when out in the general public. Sort of bothersome that I can't get away from these noises when in my own living room watching TV. Starting to maybe think that the reason my anxiety is worsening is that there's no relief from stress at all, even when in the (un)comfort of my own home. It's also safe to say if the noise isn't loud, but it's repeated multiple times in a short time frame, this will be equally distracting. And I won't be able to concentrate on whatever I'm doing.

2. Being touched. I have a personal bubble people. It's not that hard to grasp. Everyone has a bubble, mine just happens to be a lot larger than most. Keep out. Hugs aren't always necessary, especially if i saw you yesterday. If you are someone I see every day, and we hang out/have each other's phone number/have met outside of work at least twice, then it is acceptable if you feel the need to put an encouraging hand on my shoulder, or brush up against me accidentally because we're walking down the street together. Any taps, smacks, slaps, pushes, shoves, pokes, tickles, or even putting your body inexplicably close to me so that if i move, i would brush up against the offender are completely unreasonable and unappreciated. I don't touch you, so why are you touching me? And yes, when you flick someone, it hurts. maybe not like a punch in the face, but it's not like it feels positive in anyway.

3. Bright lights. I love the sun, contrary to belief. It doesn't look like I stay in the sun too often given my luminescent 75 watt skin color, but I can assure you, I like the sun. I don't like cancer or wrinkles, however. The sun blinding me every day from 1:15pm to 3:30pm is pretty much hell. My eyes dry out, and I can barely look at my computer screen. It is best to not talk to me while i'm working through this. I will do my best to not be agitated by work-related requests, but this is the worst time imaginable to commit stress factor number one. Also, as the seasons change, the sun will climb higher and eventually not stare me right in the retinas.

4. Finances. It's very simple. I'm underpaid and now have more responsibility than ever. I also have quite a bit of credit card debt and a somewhat luxurious lifestyle. I love to travel and i refuse to give up my twenties, when i have no pets and no kids, because of a little credit card debt. This is the best time to travel. One day i will have a better paying job and this won't bother me so much anymore. This is a short-term concern. So if you owe me money, don't be a dick. Just own up to it. You're not really getting away with anything, you just look shady, and chances are you aren't going to be invited to my next party.

5. Idiot drivers. I admit that I am not the best driver. But at the very least, I use my blinker and if i notice someone behind me, coming up quickly, i'll get out of the fast lane. I try very hard to not cut people off. What I have noticed is that every state claims to have the worst drivers. I really thought Massholes were the worst, but truly every state has their own share of offensive morons behind a wheel. I really do feel the world would be a better place if EVERY driver used their blinkers and if, instead of cutting people off to get three cars ahead in a line that's not moving, you waited your turn, the line wouldn't be so damn long in the first place. And for the love of God, get out of that blind spot. I can't SEE you! This also parlays into pedestrian paths and grocery store aisles. If you are browsing a shelf, how rude are you when you stand in the middle of the damn aisle? If people were just a pinch more considerate, a tiny bit more observant, and a hair less consumed with their own life, i think world peace would be possible. A little courtesy goes a long way.

6. My health. This is one thing I need to stop worrying about. I can only control the things i personally do to my body, like smoking. which i've given up, or am attempting to give up. I caved after almost two weeks because i was hammid and i had one last smoke in my glove compartment. I'm quite irritated with myself over this. But I have to keep on keeping on, right? So it's been 3 days. But all in all, not as hard as I remembered it being. I'm keeping busy with puzzles. and once the puzzle is done, i plan on knitting. Turns out i used to smoke out of sheer boredom. Everything else that may plague me in this century is up to chance and genes. I'm working on enjoying every day and the people in my life so that if my life is cut short, i'll still feel as though i accomplished what i wanted to.

7. Too far from my family. There are issues, good and bad, about my family. Maybe my sister is right and I tend to victimize myself too much. But ultimately, there are things that I can't help but get angry over, even just thinking about them. I do miss my family every day and it has been a struggle to learn how to live without seeing them very much. The decision to move California was my own, so no one can be blamed for not visiting me out here. It is far away, but I just had to have my own "world" to grow up in, no influences from family, otherwise I would not have felt that I did it by myself.

There you have it... my frustrations all listed out. No holding back. I realize I'm going to have to let some of this go or it will eat me alive. I can't control other people/the world. And sometimes I can't even control situations that I get in, but I'll have to come up with some quick ways to calm down before I throw another empty beer can at an annoying dude's head. It was childish, and he certainly didn't like it.

Next stop: worry free relaxing bliss.