Every once in a while, I wake up on the wrong side of the bed. I don't know why it happens, maybe it's the day that has to be bad so all the other days seem better in comparison. Whatever the reason, I lay there thinking of the numerous reasons to just stay in bed -- it's warm, it's quiet, you don't have to go to work and sit in front of a computer for 8 hours relentlessly typing and making up billing descriptions -- but my job looms over my head and I know the longer I wait in bed, the later I'll be at work, the later I'll get home, and the later I'll be back in my cozy bed. Then I think about this cycle and realize how monotonous my life can get. And I try to think of something, anything that I can do to spice it up. Everything costs money... and since I haven't received my annual raise yet (will i ever?), I know it's not feasible to buy a round trip ticket to my sister's house and take a week's vacation. What good is the vacation when you know that you have to wake up and go back to this glorified monkey job, anyway?
If I can do anything I wanted right now with no consequences, it would be...
I really hope my answer isn't "getting back in bed" but it seems to be what I'm thinking about. I would want to be somewhere where I don't have to think about everything that has to be fixed. Maybe I have to accept that I will have always have a to-do list a mile long and that being stable isn't about having it all done, but being able to manage it without it getting in the way of living. Which clearly I'm not good at. Maybe for lunch I'll take myself on a nice little walk somewhere and get out of this typical common day rut.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Anxiety Disorder Lesson
I've been doing some research lately on anxiety disorders. I feel as though there might be something wrong with me and that's the first thing I can think of. After reading up on the subject, it looks more like I have extreme stress and maybe moderate anxiety caused by stress. Another thing I read is that oral contraceptives may cause anxiety or mood swings, and after my sister's false diagnosis of lactose-intolerance-turned-birth-control-madness, I believe it. It may be time to switch the old pill brand. Let's just hope the new ones don't make me gain 20lbs. Bagels and tater tots could be to blame, but I'd rather blame those hormone-filled pills.
In order to relieve stress, there are a few things to try. One is keeping a stress journal and the other is exercise. So I'm blogging about my stress now and hitting the gym after work.
The following things stress me out:
1. Loud noises. This includes motorcycles, honking horns, car alarms, piercing shrieks/yelps from either babies or immature youngsters that think they are hilarious. My heart starts to race and I'm extremely distracted by these noises. I may start to wear earplugs when out in the general public. Sort of bothersome that I can't get away from these noises when in my own living room watching TV. Starting to maybe think that the reason my anxiety is worsening is that there's no relief from stress at all, even when in the (un)comfort of my own home. It's also safe to say if the noise isn't loud, but it's repeated multiple times in a short time frame, this will be equally distracting. And I won't be able to concentrate on whatever I'm doing.
2. Being touched. I have a personal bubble people. It's not that hard to grasp. Everyone has a bubble, mine just happens to be a lot larger than most. Keep out. Hugs aren't always necessary, especially if i saw you yesterday. If you are someone I see every day, and we hang out/have each other's phone number/have met outside of work at least twice, then it is acceptable if you feel the need to put an encouraging hand on my shoulder, or brush up against me accidentally because we're walking down the street together. Any taps, smacks, slaps, pushes, shoves, pokes, tickles, or even putting your body inexplicably close to me so that if i move, i would brush up against the offender are completely unreasonable and unappreciated. I don't touch you, so why are you touching me? And yes, when you flick someone, it hurts. maybe not like a punch in the face, but it's not like it feels positive in anyway.
3. Bright lights. I love the sun, contrary to belief. It doesn't look like I stay in the sun too often given my luminescent 75 watt skin color, but I can assure you, I like the sun. I don't like cancer or wrinkles, however. The sun blinding me every day from 1:15pm to 3:30pm is pretty much hell. My eyes dry out, and I can barely look at my computer screen. It is best to not talk to me while i'm working through this. I will do my best to not be agitated by work-related requests, but this is the worst time imaginable to commit stress factor number one. Also, as the seasons change, the sun will climb higher and eventually not stare me right in the retinas.
4. Finances. It's very simple. I'm underpaid and now have more responsibility than ever. I also have quite a bit of credit card debt and a somewhat luxurious lifestyle. I love to travel and i refuse to give up my twenties, when i have no pets and no kids, because of a little credit card debt. This is the best time to travel. One day i will have a better paying job and this won't bother me so much anymore. This is a short-term concern. So if you owe me money, don't be a dick. Just own up to it. You're not really getting away with anything, you just look shady, and chances are you aren't going to be invited to my next party.
5. Idiot drivers. I admit that I am not the best driver. But at the very least, I use my blinker and if i notice someone behind me, coming up quickly, i'll get out of the fast lane. I try very hard to not cut people off. What I have noticed is that every state claims to have the worst drivers. I really thought Massholes were the worst, but truly every state has their own share of offensive morons behind a wheel. I really do feel the world would be a better place if EVERY driver used their blinkers and if, instead of cutting people off to get three cars ahead in a line that's not moving, you waited your turn, the line wouldn't be so damn long in the first place. And for the love of God, get out of that blind spot. I can't SEE you! This also parlays into pedestrian paths and grocery store aisles. If you are browsing a shelf, how rude are you when you stand in the middle of the damn aisle? If people were just a pinch more considerate, a tiny bit more observant, and a hair less consumed with their own life, i think world peace would be possible. A little courtesy goes a long way.
6. My health. This is one thing I need to stop worrying about. I can only control the things i personally do to my body, like smoking. which i've given up, or am attempting to give up. I caved after almost two weeks because i was hammid and i had one last smoke in my glove compartment. I'm quite irritated with myself over this. But I have to keep on keeping on, right? So it's been 3 days. But all in all, not as hard as I remembered it being. I'm keeping busy with puzzles. and once the puzzle is done, i plan on knitting. Turns out i used to smoke out of sheer boredom. Everything else that may plague me in this century is up to chance and genes. I'm working on enjoying every day and the people in my life so that if my life is cut short, i'll still feel as though i accomplished what i wanted to.
7. Too far from my family. There are issues, good and bad, about my family. Maybe my sister is right and I tend to victimize myself too much. But ultimately, there are things that I can't help but get angry over, even just thinking about them. I do miss my family every day and it has been a struggle to learn how to live without seeing them very much. The decision to move California was my own, so no one can be blamed for not visiting me out here. It is far away, but I just had to have my own "world" to grow up in, no influences from family, otherwise I would not have felt that I did it by myself.
There you have it... my frustrations all listed out. No holding back. I realize I'm going to have to let some of this go or it will eat me alive. I can't control other people/the world. And sometimes I can't even control situations that I get in, but I'll have to come up with some quick ways to calm down before I throw another empty beer can at an annoying dude's head. It was childish, and he certainly didn't like it.
Next stop: worry free relaxing bliss.
In order to relieve stress, there are a few things to try. One is keeping a stress journal and the other is exercise. So I'm blogging about my stress now and hitting the gym after work.
The following things stress me out:
1. Loud noises. This includes motorcycles, honking horns, car alarms, piercing shrieks/yelps from either babies or immature youngsters that think they are hilarious. My heart starts to race and I'm extremely distracted by these noises. I may start to wear earplugs when out in the general public. Sort of bothersome that I can't get away from these noises when in my own living room watching TV. Starting to maybe think that the reason my anxiety is worsening is that there's no relief from stress at all, even when in the (un)comfort of my own home. It's also safe to say if the noise isn't loud, but it's repeated multiple times in a short time frame, this will be equally distracting. And I won't be able to concentrate on whatever I'm doing.
2. Being touched. I have a personal bubble people. It's not that hard to grasp. Everyone has a bubble, mine just happens to be a lot larger than most. Keep out. Hugs aren't always necessary, especially if i saw you yesterday. If you are someone I see every day, and we hang out/have each other's phone number/have met outside of work at least twice, then it is acceptable if you feel the need to put an encouraging hand on my shoulder, or brush up against me accidentally because we're walking down the street together. Any taps, smacks, slaps, pushes, shoves, pokes, tickles, or even putting your body inexplicably close to me so that if i move, i would brush up against the offender are completely unreasonable and unappreciated. I don't touch you, so why are you touching me? And yes, when you flick someone, it hurts. maybe not like a punch in the face, but it's not like it feels positive in anyway.
3. Bright lights. I love the sun, contrary to belief. It doesn't look like I stay in the sun too often given my luminescent 75 watt skin color, but I can assure you, I like the sun. I don't like cancer or wrinkles, however. The sun blinding me every day from 1:15pm to 3:30pm is pretty much hell. My eyes dry out, and I can barely look at my computer screen. It is best to not talk to me while i'm working through this. I will do my best to not be agitated by work-related requests, but this is the worst time imaginable to commit stress factor number one. Also, as the seasons change, the sun will climb higher and eventually not stare me right in the retinas.
4. Finances. It's very simple. I'm underpaid and now have more responsibility than ever. I also have quite a bit of credit card debt and a somewhat luxurious lifestyle. I love to travel and i refuse to give up my twenties, when i have no pets and no kids, because of a little credit card debt. This is the best time to travel. One day i will have a better paying job and this won't bother me so much anymore. This is a short-term concern. So if you owe me money, don't be a dick. Just own up to it. You're not really getting away with anything, you just look shady, and chances are you aren't going to be invited to my next party.
5. Idiot drivers. I admit that I am not the best driver. But at the very least, I use my blinker and if i notice someone behind me, coming up quickly, i'll get out of the fast lane. I try very hard to not cut people off. What I have noticed is that every state claims to have the worst drivers. I really thought Massholes were the worst, but truly every state has their own share of offensive morons behind a wheel. I really do feel the world would be a better place if EVERY driver used their blinkers and if, instead of cutting people off to get three cars ahead in a line that's not moving, you waited your turn, the line wouldn't be so damn long in the first place. And for the love of God, get out of that blind spot. I can't SEE you! This also parlays into pedestrian paths and grocery store aisles. If you are browsing a shelf, how rude are you when you stand in the middle of the damn aisle? If people were just a pinch more considerate, a tiny bit more observant, and a hair less consumed with their own life, i think world peace would be possible. A little courtesy goes a long way.
6. My health. This is one thing I need to stop worrying about. I can only control the things i personally do to my body, like smoking. which i've given up, or am attempting to give up. I caved after almost two weeks because i was hammid and i had one last smoke in my glove compartment. I'm quite irritated with myself over this. But I have to keep on keeping on, right? So it's been 3 days. But all in all, not as hard as I remembered it being. I'm keeping busy with puzzles. and once the puzzle is done, i plan on knitting. Turns out i used to smoke out of sheer boredom. Everything else that may plague me in this century is up to chance and genes. I'm working on enjoying every day and the people in my life so that if my life is cut short, i'll still feel as though i accomplished what i wanted to.
7. Too far from my family. There are issues, good and bad, about my family. Maybe my sister is right and I tend to victimize myself too much. But ultimately, there are things that I can't help but get angry over, even just thinking about them. I do miss my family every day and it has been a struggle to learn how to live without seeing them very much. The decision to move California was my own, so no one can be blamed for not visiting me out here. It is far away, but I just had to have my own "world" to grow up in, no influences from family, otherwise I would not have felt that I did it by myself.
There you have it... my frustrations all listed out. No holding back. I realize I'm going to have to let some of this go or it will eat me alive. I can't control other people/the world. And sometimes I can't even control situations that I get in, but I'll have to come up with some quick ways to calm down before I throw another empty beer can at an annoying dude's head. It was childish, and he certainly didn't like it.
Next stop: worry free relaxing bliss.
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