Personal Tipping Point

I literally can reach my hand out in front of me and just graze my dreams with my fingertips. I can't quite get a good grip to pull them closer to me; it's like waiting for my arms to grow longer. Maybe some more yoga? It all feels right. I can taste the plaster and new tile, I can picture leafy plants in corners, my favorite song drifting through the hall, the smiles of accomplishment on Dave's and my face. After building our bar, I feel as though the cocktails tasted better. Building our living space, maybe our lives will feel richer without actually making any more money. Is that bad that I'm practically saying that life sucks now? I don't mean this. It's been a long time coming. The sea of conversations we've swam in over our future together and this is the second biggest step (the first being the move to San Diego -- which I'd like to point out, happened almost two years ago). Marriage, while it's something to which I'm looking forward, can wait. Puppies can wait. Babies can wait. This house is my personal tipping point, where new things start happening. The end of the college afterlife and the beginning of grown up adult life.

one of those days

Every once in a while, I wake up on the wrong side of the bed. I don't know why it happens, maybe it's the day that has to be bad so all the other days seem better in comparison. Whatever the reason, I lay there thinking of the numerous reasons to just stay in bed -- it's warm, it's quiet, you don't have to go to work and sit in front of a computer for 8 hours relentlessly typing and making up billing descriptions -- but my job looms over my head and I know the longer I wait in bed, the later I'll be at work, the later I'll get home, and the later I'll be back in my cozy bed. Then I think about this cycle and realize how monotonous my life can get. And I try to think of something, anything that I can do to spice it up. Everything costs money... and since I haven't received my annual raise yet (will i ever?), I know it's not feasible to buy a round trip ticket to my sister's house and take a week's vacation. What good is the vacation when you know that you have to wake up and go back to this glorified monkey job, anyway?

If I can do anything I wanted right now with no consequences, it would be...

I really hope my answer isn't "getting back in bed" but it seems to be what I'm thinking about. I would want to be somewhere where I don't have to think about everything that has to be fixed. Maybe I have to accept that I will have always have a to-do list a mile long and that being stable isn't about having it all done, but being able to manage it without it getting in the way of living. Which clearly I'm not good at. Maybe for lunch I'll take myself on a nice little walk somewhere and get out of this typical common day rut.

Anxiety Disorder Lesson

I've been doing some research lately on anxiety disorders. I feel as though there might be something wrong with me and that's the first thing I can think of. After reading up on the subject, it looks more like I have extreme stress and maybe moderate anxiety caused by stress. Another thing I read is that oral contraceptives may cause anxiety or mood swings, and after my sister's false diagnosis of lactose-intolerance-turned-birth-control-madness, I believe it. It may be time to switch the old pill brand. Let's just hope the new ones don't make me gain 20lbs. Bagels and tater tots could be to blame, but I'd rather blame those hormone-filled pills.

In order to relieve stress, there are a few things to try. One is keeping a stress journal and the other is exercise. So I'm blogging about my stress now and hitting the gym after work.

The following things stress me out:

1. Loud noises. This includes motorcycles, honking horns, car alarms, piercing shrieks/yelps from either babies or immature youngsters that think they are hilarious. My heart starts to race and I'm extremely distracted by these noises. I may start to wear earplugs when out in the general public. Sort of bothersome that I can't get away from these noises when in my own living room watching TV. Starting to maybe think that the reason my anxiety is worsening is that there's no relief from stress at all, even when in the (un)comfort of my own home. It's also safe to say if the noise isn't loud, but it's repeated multiple times in a short time frame, this will be equally distracting. And I won't be able to concentrate on whatever I'm doing.

2. Being touched. I have a personal bubble people. It's not that hard to grasp. Everyone has a bubble, mine just happens to be a lot larger than most. Keep out. Hugs aren't always necessary, especially if i saw you yesterday. If you are someone I see every day, and we hang out/have each other's phone number/have met outside of work at least twice, then it is acceptable if you feel the need to put an encouraging hand on my shoulder, or brush up against me accidentally because we're walking down the street together. Any taps, smacks, slaps, pushes, shoves, pokes, tickles, or even putting your body inexplicably close to me so that if i move, i would brush up against the offender are completely unreasonable and unappreciated. I don't touch you, so why are you touching me? And yes, when you flick someone, it hurts. maybe not like a punch in the face, but it's not like it feels positive in anyway.

3. Bright lights. I love the sun, contrary to belief. It doesn't look like I stay in the sun too often given my luminescent 75 watt skin color, but I can assure you, I like the sun. I don't like cancer or wrinkles, however. The sun blinding me every day from 1:15pm to 3:30pm is pretty much hell. My eyes dry out, and I can barely look at my computer screen. It is best to not talk to me while i'm working through this. I will do my best to not be agitated by work-related requests, but this is the worst time imaginable to commit stress factor number one. Also, as the seasons change, the sun will climb higher and eventually not stare me right in the retinas.

4. Finances. It's very simple. I'm underpaid and now have more responsibility than ever. I also have quite a bit of credit card debt and a somewhat luxurious lifestyle. I love to travel and i refuse to give up my twenties, when i have no pets and no kids, because of a little credit card debt. This is the best time to travel. One day i will have a better paying job and this won't bother me so much anymore. This is a short-term concern. So if you owe me money, don't be a dick. Just own up to it. You're not really getting away with anything, you just look shady, and chances are you aren't going to be invited to my next party.

5. Idiot drivers. I admit that I am not the best driver. But at the very least, I use my blinker and if i notice someone behind me, coming up quickly, i'll get out of the fast lane. I try very hard to not cut people off. What I have noticed is that every state claims to have the worst drivers. I really thought Massholes were the worst, but truly every state has their own share of offensive morons behind a wheel. I really do feel the world would be a better place if EVERY driver used their blinkers and if, instead of cutting people off to get three cars ahead in a line that's not moving, you waited your turn, the line wouldn't be so damn long in the first place. And for the love of God, get out of that blind spot. I can't SEE you! This also parlays into pedestrian paths and grocery store aisles. If you are browsing a shelf, how rude are you when you stand in the middle of the damn aisle? If people were just a pinch more considerate, a tiny bit more observant, and a hair less consumed with their own life, i think world peace would be possible. A little courtesy goes a long way.

6. My health. This is one thing I need to stop worrying about. I can only control the things i personally do to my body, like smoking. which i've given up, or am attempting to give up. I caved after almost two weeks because i was hammid and i had one last smoke in my glove compartment. I'm quite irritated with myself over this. But I have to keep on keeping on, right? So it's been 3 days. But all in all, not as hard as I remembered it being. I'm keeping busy with puzzles. and once the puzzle is done, i plan on knitting. Turns out i used to smoke out of sheer boredom. Everything else that may plague me in this century is up to chance and genes. I'm working on enjoying every day and the people in my life so that if my life is cut short, i'll still feel as though i accomplished what i wanted to.

7. Too far from my family. There are issues, good and bad, about my family. Maybe my sister is right and I tend to victimize myself too much. But ultimately, there are things that I can't help but get angry over, even just thinking about them. I do miss my family every day and it has been a struggle to learn how to live without seeing them very much. The decision to move California was my own, so no one can be blamed for not visiting me out here. It is far away, but I just had to have my own "world" to grow up in, no influences from family, otherwise I would not have felt that I did it by myself.

There you have it... my frustrations all listed out. No holding back. I realize I'm going to have to let some of this go or it will eat me alive. I can't control other people/the world. And sometimes I can't even control situations that I get in, but I'll have to come up with some quick ways to calm down before I throw another empty beer can at an annoying dude's head. It was childish, and he certainly didn't like it.

Next stop: worry free relaxing bliss.

Holiday! Celebrate!

It took me a little longer than usual to get into the holiday spirit this Christmas. It doesn't help that I'm in California and the sun is constantly shining, the wind breezing through the plethora of palms. I still don't even have a tree to decorate. The worst part is that I miss my family and it makes me realize that the part I like about Christmas the most is being with them. I like the way we do Christmas, the way we each take turns opening presents and the way we always argue over if we should open one or two presents on Christmas Eve. Jill always says she's saving her presents until the next morning but then gets gift envy when the rest of us are enjoying our new belongings. My dad picks the smallest of his presents to open the night before, and he usually tries to guess (with like a 90% success rate) what's inside. My mum picks the biggest of her presents, then my dad says, "Gaye, why don't you open this one." and it will be a beautiful necklace or a little pin that's he's so thoughtfully picked out to match her personality. Leah's gifts are always wrapped with perfection with little funky tags and giant elaborate ribbons. She wins the secret gift wrapping competition every year.... a secret because no one actually wants to admit that there's a competition. Maybe it's just me. All the while, jazzy Christmas greats are lulling us into that euphoric spirit that seems to bring us all together just when we need each other most.

Breakfast the next morning has become the new "first thing to do" over presents because we're not 5 years old anymore and dying to know what Santa brought us in his sleigh. Plus we're usually still intoxicated from the free flowing champagne and red wine the night before. Nothing a few crepes and sausages couldn't cure. The first person up knows their duty is to make the coffee and turn on the Christmas lights. I like making the coffee because then I have an excuse to clink the mugs together to wake up my parents.

Oh, I almost completely forgot! The STOCKINGS! Almost a special occasion all on its own, everyone gets a "socking" full of little goodies like mini nail polishes, gift cards, trinkets, and tiny stuffages that would otherwise get lost in the tree's foliage, for sure. Then there are all the years that the entire foot of the socking was filled with mandarin oranges. Jill and I, being the little spoiled brats that we were, would complain that it wasn't a true socking and that we had been cheated out of a few more inches worth of gifts. HA. Now it's a running joke. In fact, I really think I would be disappointed if I didn't find an orange in the toe of my socking.

More music, bubbly mimosas, sweet crepes with real whipped cream and raspberries, my great family. What I am looking forward to is learning the Christmas traditions of my brother-in-laws.

I've spent only a couple Christmases with Scotty, but one that stands out was him in his PJs on his couch in Anchorage, opening up this giant present with the most ridiculous joker hat inside. It was massive with these little jingle bells all over it. He threw it on his head immediately and looked around waiting to see the expressions on our faces. Of course, we rolled with laughter. That year was fun because we were all in Alaska in Leah's cozy Cedar house with snow falling gently against the frosted windows. It was a true White Christmas.

I guess all of this is what makes it so hard to really get into the festivities. This year, I will be spending Christmas much differently. Maybe I'm stuck in my ways, but it just won't be the same. I'm grateful, nonetheless, to be spending Christmas with someone's family. I'll be sure to find out what holiday traditions the Pessins have. And maybe I can offer a little of the Bryant tradition and get them all sockings.

Hey, who started calling them sockings anyway?

Whose blog is this?

This is my blog. But I feel I need to censor the stuff I write. Worst of all, it's not weird. I know what I can and cannot say.

Red Sox Nation

So the Sox have made it to the World Series again. It's interesting that, not one to watch every game or lose sleep if the Boston team is doing poorly compared to a certain arch nemesis NY team, I actually was thrilled to come home, crack a micro and settle in to watch the three hour battle against the Colorado Rockies.

Some people say baseball is boring. Sure, there are lulls in the game, or if the opposing team goes down without so much as a run, or watching all 157 three hour games every year, yeah, the game is boring. But I've come to really enjoy the hidden intensity, especially in the pennant and world series. For example, a pitcher and a catcher have to have such a relationship that they almost know what the other is thinking. Almost like an old married couple. The pitcher and catcher also have to study hard to understand the other teams strengths and weaknesses, so they can out-pitch the batter. Likewise, the batter has to know what pitches the pitcher has up his sleeve and anticipate what's about to be thrown.

Double plays, bunts, pop-flies, sac-flies, runs batted in, errors, stealing, walk-off home runs, reading other players' subtlest of moves, catching every ball in your 25 square yard zone, AND being able to tell if a tiny ball flying at you at 98mph will be in your strike zone in less than 2 seconds.

Yeah, baseball, to me, is the least boring game of them all.

Working Girl

Almost as if I had known that working your way up the corporate ladder is more about who you know rather than what you know, I'm grateful that I developed my social skills more than my discipline to get to class on time, if at all. God, I say that like I never went to class. I did my penance. I took all my tests. I even suffered through multiple 8am math classes. Whose brilliant idea was it to learn how to prove mathematical equations and theories at 8am in the bloody morning? I can barely process what shirt I'm going to wear. I'm also not the most pleasant person to talk to in the morning, so finding a partner for group work was yet another nightmare. Why do they make school so completely different than the real world? Anyway, I digress.

I was about to say that while I did learn to become less socially awkward, I never learned how to be fake. Knowing I needed reinforcements, I actually picked up a few skills along the way. What i didn't know is that these skills would be practically void in the real world. And so I start in on my rant of why social skills are more important than brains in our messed up society. We know that women are capable of achieving celebrity status based solely on breast-size. If you don't agree, what did Pam Anderson ever do besides get the most ginormous breast implants ever? and maybe take off her clothes and show everyone these implants. Is she particularly smart? Who the hell knows? She's famous for her boobs. (Maybe the social status of her boobs supersede her own famosity, but that's a whole other topic called "Working Boobs.") We see celebrity drunk drivers skirt passed the law, pay a fine and go right back to the Hollywood party, only to get in their car after 10 too many. Do they not make enough to pay a chauffeur? a cabbie? Or are they super humans, fearless and elite, not touchable by these laws for the common civilian? A blank check ought to cover anything. But it doesn't stop at celebrities. Companies promote these sociable humans into upper management by the truckload. Who cares if they know what they are doing? They can charm the pants off of you. Let the peasants do the actual work. We'll just take credit for it. I'm the peasant though. And even if i was this grandiose socialite working my way up by schmoozing and faking this I-truly-do-care-about-you-but-let's-face-it-i'm-more-important-than-you attitude, I wouldn't feel right about it or my promotion.

Now, I start to question my ability as an employee to ever be promoted. Maybe I'm jealous of these promotees and maybe I really do lack the skills necessary to do their job. And this is why I'm not in their position. At what point, then, do I say, that's enough? When do I walk out and find something better? After all my confidence has been shattered by management's rejection? Until I'm humiliated and being escorted to the front door, carrying a box of my personal belongings? What can I do? I'm at the whim of my paycheck. It drives me, not the other way around. Unfortunately, just the smell of this stuff is enough to make people act with all sorts of bad behavior, pushing anyone and anything out of their way. Keep your eyes on the prize, as they say. My eyes just so happen to see the masses waiting patiently in line while this sucker committs a childish "cutsies."